Depression is a Four Letter Word

Yesterday (technically as it is after midnight) was Bell's "Let's Talk Day".  It is inspiring that a huge company has taken the initiative to raise awareness about mental illness in Canada and all over the world.  I have been hearing the commercials on the radio and I think to myself, that is me.  Because of the stigma I have avoided talking about it, I have avoided getting help.  It ends now.

As I sit here writing this I wonder if I will have the courage to hit publish.  Will I post this entry to the blog's  facebook page?  Do I really want everyone to read this?  Can I really make myself that open and vulnerable?  If it will help someone else, yes.  I can do it.  I hope...

This isn't easy.  I've written a line and deleted about five times now... I guess I'm stalling.  I don't know where to start.

Depression is a four letter word.  It has become a swear word in our society.  No one says it, no one talks about it.  And especially not postpartum depression.  Every mother wants to be perfect.  We all want to be the one that other moms look at and say "she's got it all together".  I've learned in the past year that the moms that seem the most put together are usually the ones that aren't.  We become pros at putting on a show, I am guilty of that 100%.

My little bug was an angel baby.  We had our moments of exhausted frustration, but looking back she was quite easy.  She only cried when she needed something, she didn't have gas or colic.  She was never sick in her first year, not counting one eye infection when she was 1 week old due to a blocked tear duct.  The first few months weren't too bad.

I look back and wonder when I started feeling this way?  I recently read somewhere that major life changes while pregnant and within the first year can increase your chances for postpartum depression.  Did one of the events in my life trigger this?  Or did it all just snowball and come on gradually as each stress built up on my shoulders?  When was the breaking point?  Or was there one?

• DH was in a car accident when I was 4.5 months pregnant.  Long story short - his injury was missed, surgery didn't work, other complications arose and he is still dealing with ankle and shoulder problems.  Almost 2 years later, there is no end in sight.
• My Oma, whom I am extremely close to, had some health scares.  She underwent surgery to remove half her liver when I was 7 months pregnant followed by several rounds of chemo and getting diagnosed with lung cancer.  I moved in with her and Opa to help them out, leaving behind my life in Kitchener.  Family comes first.
• We bought a condo when Oma was doing better.  Moving in the middle of winter with a 5 week old is not easy.
• When Bug was 8 weeks old my Nana lost her battle with cancer.  The same progression as Oma:: colon, liver, lungs.  I had only seen her once in the previous 11 years and she didn't get to meet my baby.  That brought up a lot of issues that I thought had been resolved and also a lot of fear for Oma's future.  We traveled to BC for her memorial and it was very hard on me.  The guilt of not having more time with her was overwhelming and it still is at times.

I can't change the course of events, if we could change the past the world would be a much different place.   I just wonder where it all went wrong?

I feel like I'm failing.  Like I am not suited for motherhood.  I feel like the Bug deserves someone better.  Someone who wants to play with her and learn with her.  Someone who is present.  I find that it goes up and down, I have moments where I love playing with her, laughing with her and just watching her be.  And I have moments where I don't want to be in the same room, I have no patience and everything upsets me.  DH and I have a lot more arguments than we ever have.  I cry over things that normally wouldn't upset me, and sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying.

The worst is the guilt.

We weren't planning on having a baby so soon, we got pregnant 6 months after getting married.  I was halfway through college and on the pill.  When I thought I had the flu and it lasted longer than it should have I went to the doctor and found out we were expecting.  At the time I embraced it wholeheartedly, on good days I still do.  In my worst moments, I wish it hadn't happened.

I feel lost, I just want to find my way to happiness.  To being a better mother for this sweet little girl.

I have a very hard time asking for help.  I want to be good at everything.  I can't do it anymore though, I am going to see a professional and hopefully I can work through all of this and find myself again.

My advice if you are struggling:: Ask for help!  Find a mom's group in your area!  I was feeling very alone, but I have found an amazing mom's group full of women who are extremely supportive and give great advice.  Talk to someone.  Email me, chroniclesofpblog@gmail.com

Resources for Postpartum Depression::

• Postpartum Support International
• Here To Help :: A website from BC but still lots of good info